So I decided something kind of big today. I’m going home. I’m saving up. I’m ending the paycheck to paycheck struggle and I’m starting over. Part of me wants to look at this like I failed. Like I wanted to make it on my own and I -can’t- and that breaks my heart. And part of me thinks that this decision is…brave. That giving up what I know and love to start over is tough, and I’m up for it. That I know the risks, I know it’s gonna be hard, I know that I’ll be lonely, and discouraged, and I’ll get lazy and comfortable. That I won’t be able to see where I’m headed, in the future, and that will be scary. That I’m walking away from my support system, my coping mechanisms, my safe places, and going back to a place that hasn’t always fostered my best self (YAY for small town America and all but also…can you say isolation?). But I know I’m doing the right thing. For myself, for my future, and for my little dog.
So I’m trying to encourage that part. I’m trying to be an optimist about this. I know, from experience, that even when you know you made the right call, it hurts. But I also know that it pays off. Six months ago tomorrow, I made the right call to stay here. And six months from now…who knows where I’ll be?
But for now, in the present, I want to share something will y’all. I discovered, this week, while contemplating this move, that when you have nothing to lose, you really aren’t scared anymore. So now that I can see the end coming, now that I can stare down those 66 days…I’ve decided to live a little differently for the time I have left. I’ve decided to say what’s on my mind, to go after what I want, to work hard, play hard, love hard, and laugh hard. I’ve decided that for 66 days I’m going to swallow my pride and my fear and live in the moment.
I don’t want to waste the next 66 days being sad over what I’m losing. I don’t want to waste them freaking out over planning my future. I want to spend them -appreciating- what I have up here. I want to spend them with the people I love, at the places I love, doing what I love.
So join me. For 66 days, let’s stay out all night. Let’s hike with my dog. Let’s go to DC for the day. Let’s walk up and down Main St with no real purpose. Let’s laugh and cry and share things and hold hands and be friends! Let’s work really hard and love every second. Let’s sleep all we want but get up and start the DAY when it’s time to. Let’s be present, and alive, and fearless. And on Day 65, let’s party it up like its our last day on Earth. And on Day 66, I’m going to hit the respawn button, look to the future, and figure it out.
Who’s with me?